Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.