Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Just a reminder, folks:
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯