Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Merry Christmas
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!