happy mother’s day❤️
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Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?