I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.