Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.