My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
no one likes gloating
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”