Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?