rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding