Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*