[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
want me to check your oil?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?