My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.