Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you