Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
when dads have a rap battle
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I feel this so hard
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.