My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .