When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀