I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.