Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam