[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
😎 🍻
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Sorry. Not sorry
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.