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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”