Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie