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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me checking my bank balance online.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Hit me in the face with a bird
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.