“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
this is what they would have looked like, though
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good