Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.