When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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Just a reminder, folks:
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.