my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?