Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.