People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Hard not to take this personally
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My teenage children choosing violence
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.