OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
FINE, I WON’T.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!