11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180