Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I mean…but I did
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My current situation
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.