Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
You Might Also Like
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet