Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.