[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
2023 was just a warmup
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”