I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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men, we mow at sunrise.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.