What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot