It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.