I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium