One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.