yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
nyc:
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility