They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Last-minute gift idea!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I only eat vegetarians.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.