My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Has there ever been a more American story?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW