I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg