Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
“A little help here, Danny?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions