I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.