Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
You Might Also Like
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM