Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You Might Also Like
selena gomez
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore