Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200