Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*pronounces UPS like yoops
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Rooting for the overdog