[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sell your car
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they